Anzac Day

In this week we have honoured Anzac day.  April 25^th is one of Australia’s most important national holidays. It marks the anniversary of the First Major Military action fought by Australian and New Zealand forces during the First World War. Generations of families and friends coming together to remember those that gave their lives during the First World War. It’s also a time to reflect and be thankful for your friends – your mates.

The term ‘Mateship’ can be traced back to early colonial times when men and women relied on one another for all sorts of help during hard times. It’s a term that implies a shared experience, unconditional assistance, going beyond that of friendship. Mateship is often used amongst men and became prevalent during the First World War during the challenging times male soldiers were faced with.

Over the years “Mateship” has become an Australian idiom embodying friendship, loyalty and equality. Friendships are some of the most important relationships a person has in their life with many a memory having been made with a friend. A mate is there when times are good and also when times are tough.

Friends can be the first person to notice a change in a friend. Not knowing what to do or say at times can be hard, frustrating and upsetting. It can also be emotionally challenging. You may notice a friend has stopped calling you, has become withdrawn or their behavior has changed. Being there for your mate and knowing what to do can in itself be difficult.

We have set out below some pointers to help you help your mate when times are tough.

• Encourage your mate to talk to other people, be it a counsellor, a lawyer, a family member or you.
• Be informed – do some research into what your mate is going through. Being able to understand what your mate is experiencing will reassure them.
• Let your mate know you care – tell them
• Be physical – give your mate a hug
• Do something together – perhaps something unique to the two of you. This will help your mate take their mind off the problem and have some fun
• Listen – just by being there and listening can be invaluable support for your mates.

Take time to catch up with your mates. Give your mate a call and let them know you are there for them.

At Bayside Collaborative we are here to help your mate who may be contemplating or going through a separation work through their issues in order to make decisions that are right for them.

www.baysidecollaborative.com.au

Finances and property following separation

When people separate they usually need to decide how to divide their property (assets) and debts (liabilities). For most this can be a daunting and emotional task coupled with the separation itself. There is no set formula in family law as to how your assets and liabilities are shared between you but rather will depend on your individual family circumstances.

It is helpful to prepare a list of the assets and liabilities at the time of separation, by working out what you have, what you owe and what they are worth. This is likely to involve a valuation of the family home. Assets and Liabilities can be in joint names, in your sole name or in the name of a company.

Assets can include:

• The family home
• Savings
• Investments
• Investment property
• Shares
• Cars, motor bikes, boats
• Inheritance
• Household items such as furniture and jewellery 
• Superannuation
• Companies
• Income 

Liabilities can include:

• The mortgage on the family home
• Credit card balances
• Loans and personal debt

Reaching an agreement through Collaborative practice has many advantages. It saves both parties time and money and you make your own decisions. This is turn has a positive effect on continuing parenting and communication between both separating parties.

We have an online service via our website that can help you create your own asset list.

At Bayside Collaborative we will listen carefully to your needs and goals. We will assist you in achieving an agreement and then formalising the agreement either by way of a consent order or financial agreement.

Please visit our website www.baysidecollaborative.com.au to find out more. 

Easter Time

Easter is a time of celebration, forgiveness and moving forward. Whilst children are looking forward to chocolate Easter eggs school holidays can be especially difficult where parents have separated as there may be issues in relation to the children and the time they spend with each parent. Family breakdown is never easy but by agreeing holiday arrangements in advance the potential for conflict is minimized and both parents and children can move forward with the children's best interests in mind.

Lines can often blur in the emotion with both parents believing they are acting in their children's best interests. It can sometimes turn into a competition between parents as to who the children are spending the most time with and the children themselves become lost in the discussions.

Where possible negotiations as to holiday arrangements should be between parents and not in the presence of the children. It is important children do not feel a sense of guilt in relation to the time they spend with their parents, they want to be having fun.  If face to face discussions are not possible then consider other means to plan arrangements such as an email, phone call, friend or family member assisting.

The children themselves may have commitments during the holiday period such as birthday parties, play dates or sporting activities, they too need to be factored into the arrangements as important social events for the children. Think about who is going to take the children to the events and whether there are overlapping commitments where one parent may need the assistance of the other parent.

If you have separated from your partner and are experiencing difficulties in relation to arrangements for your children then contact us at Bayside Collaborative. With our professional assistance we can help separating couples work together collaboratively to achieve a solution that works for you all as a family and one which is child focused. 


Please visit our website for further information www.baysidecollaborative.com.au

Laughter

The end of March welcomes the start of Melbourne International Comedy Festival which runs through to the 23^rd of April. Whilst scrolling through the various acts and comedians, pondering whether to book tickets I began to smile at the thought of an evening’s entertainment full of laughter and clicked the ‘purchase now’ button. I knew instantly regardless of whether I understood or appreciated the jokes, there would be laughter as laughter is, after all, contagious.

We all lead busy stressful lives and often laughter is forgotten. There are many health benefits to laughter, it bonds us together and can lift our spirits with many a relationship having been formed after sharing a smile or laughing together. It can have a powerful and positive effect on our physical, emotional, social health and wellbeing.  Laughter can boost our immune systems and can help us to sleep.

When a relationship is coming to an end it can be a very stressful and anxious time for everyone involved. The road ahead may appear uncertain in terms of family life and financial security and you may question what there is to smile or laugh about. The ability to laugh or smile when times are tough can also help build resilience and act as an effective distraction from things that cause anxiety and stress. It can also act as a mild antidepressant as laughter boosts the production of serotonin, a natural anti-depressant.

At Bayside Collaborative our approach is to reduce conflict and acrimony which in turn leads to better relationships and outcomes. We provide family law advice and support that is tailor made to meet your needs and circumstances.

Please visit our website for further information www.baysidecollaborative.com.au

Much has been written in the last couple of weeks about this time of year being a busy time for family lawyers.

Sadly, my experience mirrors that of others - yes, it seems many couples do separate over the Christmas and New Year period. 

Perhaps people decide they really can’t stand another Christmas their in-laws , perhaps they’d known for some time prior to Christmas but were hanging on to enable one last semblance of a “happy” family Christmas, or perhaps they’re working on the principle of “New Year – New Me”.

Whatever the reason, if you are, or someone you know is, one of the many people who find themselves either embracing a new life this year or forced into one, here are five key things to consider:

·     What will the journey be like?

It seems everyone has a friend who has separated.  So often, the friends have had a hideous experience with family lawyers and the court system and will be full of doom and gloom.

It’s really important to decide at the outset what you would like the tone of your separation.  It may be that your separated partner doesn’t want the same journey as you, but it’s a start to know what.  It may be that your separated partner doesn’t want the same journey as you, but it’s a start to know what you want.

If you have kids, is it important to you to be able to functionally co-parent?

Are you out for revenge, (hopefully not!) or do you want to be able to amicably resolve things and move on with your life?

Will you be able to resolve things directly with your partner, or will you need help?

Can you be in the same room for negotiations?  So would mediation or collaboration work?

Are you happy to spend lots of money having a big court battle, or would you rather resolve things far away from the court process?

·     Be supported by those around you, but seek professional advice

As separation is so common, many people think they are experts.  “Oh, you’re a mum with the kids   - you’ll get 75%.  That’s what my cousin got”.  “Mate you won’t have to pay her spousal maintenance, my friend from work doesn’t pay anything to his wife”, “Don’t worry, the kids will be living with you half the time.  That’s what my neighbours do”.

Family law relies heavily on assessing individual circumstances so what happens for one family won’t happen in the same way for the next.

By all means, be supported by your friends, but don’t rely on what they say about practicalities.  Seek professional advice about your own situation.

·     Decide what professional advice you need

It can be a good idea to start with advice from a lawyer as they can act like your project manager and refer you for psychological, financial and other advice as required. 

If you see a lawyer who has trained in collaborative practice, they will have a strong emphasis on helping you resolve matters between you in a way that keeps you out of court.

Some people choose to start with seeing a mediator-  an independent third party who can help them to have constructive conversations about their arrangements post-separation.

Alternatively, you could start with a child psychologist to discuss arrangements for the children, or with a financial planner or accountant to discuss property settlement and income support.

Whichever path you choose, I recommend at least speaking to a lawyer about any potential agreement and how to make sure your arrangements are made binding.

·       Remember anything you put in writing to your ex, by email, text etc can end up attached to an affidavit and presented to the court if you end up there.  And even apart from that, words have impact. 

Think very carefully before you initiate communication of any kind and make sure you re-read anything you’re writing to think about the impact on the person receiving 

·     If you have kids, take note – the research overwhelmingly concludes that children do okay when their parents separate, provided they are not in the middle of conflict.

Remember, your child is half  their mum and half their dad.  Don’t criticize your ex around your children and don’t expose them to any arguments between you.  Children need to be free to love and enjoy time with both of their parents. 

Although separation can be a painful time, with the right support, and with time, it will be okay.

Please visit our website at www.baysidecollaborative.com.au to find out more. 

The voice of children in a family law process

I was recently involved as a lawyer in a relocation case – notoriously the most difficult and emotional disputes in family law that come before the Family Court.

The mother wanted to relocate a child overseas and the father strongly objected. There was high conflict in the relationship and the parties seemed destined to contest the matter in court.

Luckily they agreed to engage in a collaborative type process. The collaborative team was assembled – lawyers for each party, psychologist/facilitator and a child specialist. We then focused on identifying the parents’ interests and goals – both separate and joint.

The child specialist then interviewed the child and brought “the voice of the child” back into a joint meeting to share with everyone. This was done in a totally neutral non-threatening and neutral constructive way.

The impact of this intervention was profound. The child’s voice was heard. The matter resolved. The family avoided a lengthy, expensive and damaging court case.

Most importantly some level of, peace was restored to the family. This was a wonderful example of how well a collaborative process can work in a family law context where appropriately skilled professionals are brought together to support, assist and guide parents to resolution.

There are many ways to achieve peaceful resolution including collaborative practice.

Please visit our website at www.baysidecollaborative.com.au to find out more.

Let the children be heard!

This blog is a follow on from my previous blog about the voice of children in a family law process.

Sometimes (maybe all the time!) children express things so much better than adults, especially when parents are separating and divorcing.

The following is a poem written by a child whose parents were separating.

Inside of me

My mum and my Dad

are inside who I am.

They are part of me,

wherever I go.

When they divorced,

they hated each other,

And that was like they

hated me.

When they hurt each

other, they hurt me.

When Mum didn’t

want me to see Dad,

She wasn’t seeing me.

When Dad didn’t want

Me to love Mum,

he wasn’t loving me.

Now that stopped,

and they get on OK,

So I can be who I am,

with my Mum and

my Dad inside me.

Rachel, 11 years old

We should never forget how separation effects children. As a family lawyer I used to think that my job was to apply family law. The law is only a small part of the work that we do. Our work as collaborative professionals is to achieve peaceful resolution – to help parents to help their children.

Please visit our website – www.baysidecollaborative.com.au – to find out how we can help the Rachel in your life.