Should I stay or should I go?

Not only are they the lyrics to a famous song by ‘The Clash’ but words that often echo over and over when one is contemplating separating from their partner. Will the grass be greener on the other side or should I “shut up and put up”?

You may be thinking I’ve given this relationship my all, I have nothing more to give. You may have tried Counselling to get back on track or confided in a close friend or family member but things still aren’t right. You may be thinking I will wait until the children have finished their education or are old enough to understand.

There is never a ‘right’ time but what is important is that if you are contemplating a separation that you are well informed and have the right support network around you to guide you through the transition and to ensure the best possible outcome for you and your children.

At Bayside Collaborative we can explore with you your hopes and fears for the future, arrangements for your children and your financial needs but we also work collaboratively with a number of Psychologists and Financial Planners who can also assist you the decision making process and future planning needs.

Contact us today for more information at www.baysidecollaborative.com.au

My house or yours?

Invariably within any household there is inequality in terms of income. Decisions are often made that one parent will be the ‘bread winner’ whilst the other will be the ‘home maker’ and ‘carer’ for the children of the family. Those practical decisions work when the family is together as a whole but what happens following a separation?

One house becomes two, two incomes become one.

The parent who assumed the role of home maker may struggle to make ends meet, may need to secure employment or an increase in working hours whilst the other parent may see little change in their financial need and obligations.

Common question I hear during collaborative meetings are – how are we going to manage? How am I going to be able to afford a house let alone a house close to the children’s school? I won’t be able to afford to meet all of the financial demands myself?

Children may experience very different lives at each of their respective parent’s homes – enjoying the luxuries they were used to as a family with one parent whilst living a more modest life with the other.

It doesn’t have to be this way.

Part of the collaborative process enables separating couples to discuss how they are going to afford to make ends meet and where there are shortfalls how those needs can be met from the asset pool. The separation process is never easy and should not be one in which the children suffer the consequences of their parents separation. With determination and focus throughout the Collaborative process on the needs of the children of the family, financial shortfalls can be remedied. 

Contact Bayside Collaborative for more information www.baysidecollaborative.com.au

Time

We never seem to have enough of it do we?

There are always so many demands placed upon our time and far too often we can’t help but say yes placing greater pressure upon ourselves. As Eve of our office boards the plane to return home to her family she is sat thinking about the fun filled five days she has just spent with her sisters and aunts and what awaits her when she returns home to her husband and children.

She was skipping to get on the plane and really looking forward to girlie conversations, shopping and most importantly a full night’s sleep without being awoken by children. But now, on her return, she is looking forward to the cuddles on the sofa, to being the taxi taking the children to their after school activities and the mediator when disputes arise.

What she has realised over the last week is that it is important to take time out, to recharge and to be yourself. This makes you appreciate far more what is awaiting you at home. The small details like the house not being tidy, the dishes not washed are not important and can wait. What is important is finding time to be yourself and finding time for your family.

At Bayside Collaborative Family Lawyers, we often hear from our clients they feel taken for granted, that what they do is not appreciated or acknowledged by their spouse, partner or children and that their family has drifted apart.

How then do you find time for yourself whilst at the same time balancing the demands placed upon you from work, school and family life? No matter how busy you are it is important to take time to focus on you.

Here are some handy tips for rebalancing your schedule:

• Learn to say ‘no’ without feeling guilty.
• Ask for help and learn to delegate – draw up a schedule of weekly tasks and chores for your children to do.
• If finance permit outsource tasks such as gardening, cleaning, ironing.
• Accept not doing things perfectly all the time.
• Schedule in some free time for yourself and for you and your family to be together, this could be a date night with your partner, going to the beach or park with the family, walking the dog or simply some down time at home.
• Put down the electronic devices – it is far too easy today to look at your phone or tablet as soon as you awake, five minutes can turn into 30 minutes placing more pressure on your already tight time schedule.
• Exercise – be it at home, going to a class or the gym or simply spending time outside your mental and physical health will improve.

We must ensure we find the time to jump off the hamster wheel and reconnect with ourselves and those we love around us.  

Contact us at www.baysidecollaborative.com.au 

Blokes and Braids

Over the last couple of months, we have collaborated with Cat Nickless of Glamzilla to host several hair braiding workshops for dads to spend special time bonding with their daughters. Of course, as Family Lawyers we didn’t know the first thing about braiding or styling hair and we are very grateful to Cat for her support and enthusiasm.

The interest took us all by surprise with the workshops selling out within hours. We had interest as well from mums who, not only wanted to learn how to braid hair but wanted to spend quality time with their children.  Our workshops then evolved into Birds, Blokes and Braids.

At the beginning of the workshops each child is given a goodie bag of hair accessories including a brush, comb, hair clip and bobbles for use during the class and to take home at the end of the workshop. We recently heard from a dad who had attended our first workshop with his 8-year-old daughter, he said he regularly now styles his daughters hair for school referring to her goodie bag as ‘dad’s tools’.

Bayside Collaborative and Heartlinks

Bayside Collaborative Family Lawyers are always keen to support and collaborate with charities and organisations to enhance our local community.

For several years, we have worked alongside Family Life in Sandringham often referring our clients to the services offered. For those that haven’t heard of Family life they are an independent, innovative community organisation who are dedicated to working with vulnerable families and communities. 

Their mission is to enable children, young people and families to thrive in caring communities with a belief that every child has the right to grow up safely in the care of their families with the support of a caring community. Who wouldn’t want to support such a mission and belief?

Heartlinks is a social enterprise business of Family Life providing relationship education and counselling services in our Bayside area. Their focus is on supporting individuals and families to build healthier relationships by offering professional support and learning through relationship and communication seminars, workshops and individual or family focused support.

Heartlinks are planning to run the following workshops during August and September on either a Monday or Wednesday evening:

• Communicating with your Adolescent
• Post Separation Parenting
• Better Relationships for couples
• Successful Step Parenting and Blended families

In addition to the workshops, Heartlinks can also support you through challenging times in your relationship by providing counselling either individual or family focused support.

All workshops and Counselling sessions take place at the Family Life offices in Sandringham.

For more information please read the information sheets in the links below or contact Heartlinks www.heartlinks.com.au (03) 8599 5488

Heartlinks Adolescent Workshop Flyer August 2017

Heartlinks Positive Parenting after Separation Flyer August 2017

When to introduce your children to a new partner?

Is there ever a ‘right’ time to introduce your children to your new partner? Each family is different and there are many factors to be taken into account particularly how the children will react.

Children may still be holding onto the hope that their parents will reconcile and to hear that one or both of their parents has a new partner can be an emotionally challenging and confusing time for them. Of course the age of your child will affect how and when you break the news to them.

As a rule of thumb it is important any new relationship is at a stage whereby it has a future, is a happy relationship and is stable. Some say this is anything from 6 months onwards. It can cause far more harm to your children to continually introduce them to a new partner only weeks later to be introducing them to another new partner.

And what about your new partner – how will they feel about being introduced to your children? They may not have children of their own and may themselves be nervous and unsure as to the road ahead. They themselves may have children and consideration not only needs to be given to the children meetings your new partner but also both sets of children meeting each other.

Here are some helpful tips to consider when introducing your children to your partner:

• Talk to your children - explain you have a new partner and would like at some point to introduce them to him or her.
  
• Keep the first meeting short – it helps to go somewhere neutral such as a café or park.
  
• Don’t arrange an overnight stay straight away.
  
• Give your children lots of reassurances – your new partner isn’t going to replace their mum or dad.
  
• Consider how their mum or dad will feel about you introducing your new partner to your children.

It is likely to take your children some time to accept a new person in your life but with careful planning and support for your children you will be able to sensibly navigate you way through. 

Remember to consider the time since separation, the age of your children and the level of commitment to your new partner.

It is helpful to talk to your former partner and discuss how in the future you intend to both introduce new partners to your children. This can form part of the discussions within the collaborative process to ensure a smooth transition for your children with the support of both of their parents.

Contact Bayside Collaborative for more information www.baysidecollaborative.com.au

Is the time ever right?

Following the end of a relationship the prospect of moving on and meeting someone else may seem daunting or even impossible. For many it’s the end of a dream, a happily ever after, a growing old together. The journey towards a fresh start and a new beginning for some can take years to achieve and it is all part of the healing process.

A fresh start may involve a new partner. You may have forgotten how to flirt and nor do you want to risk rejection so where do you start? The world of dating has advanced and your trusted one line catchphrases may not appeal to the opposite sex any more. It’s now common for people to meet through online dating agencies, by scrolling through profile pictures and narrowing the search criteria to the characteristics you are seeking. This in itself can pose a hurdle for those who are not internet savvy.

It is important to have closed the door on a previous relationship and for you to be emotionally ready for a new one. Being able to move on necessitates a period of healing similar to grieving the loss of a loved one. The healing process can be both mental and physical. It’s important to be able to identify who you are, the end of a relationship affects how you perceive yourself and your level of self-esteem. Reigniting and surrounding yourself with friends will help to boost your self-esteem and distract you from the pain you may be experiencing. You may need further help from a professional such as a Psychologist or your GP.

Learning from a breakup will undoubtedly help future relationships to succeed. Look back and question where did the relationship go wrong? Did you take each other for granted? Did you spend enough time together and how can you improve upon that in future relationships?

At Bayside Collaborative whether your relationship is coming to an end or you are starting a new one we can help you start your new life with dignity and respect.  Contact us at www.baysidecollaborative.com.au