Much has been written in the last
couple of weeks about this time of year being a busy time for family lawyers.
Sadly, my experience mirrors that
of others - yes, it seems many couples do separate over the Christmas and New
Year period.
Perhaps people decide they really
can’t stand another Christmas their in-laws , perhaps they’d known for some
time prior to Christmas but were hanging on to enable one last semblance of a
“happy” family Christmas, or perhaps they’re working on the principle of “New
Year – New Me”.
Whatever the reason, if you are, or
someone you know is, one of the many people who find themselves either
embracing a new life this year or forced into one, here are five key things to
consider:
· What
will the journey be like?
It seems everyone has a friend who
has separated. So often, the friends have had a hideous experience with
family lawyers and the court system and will be full of doom and gloom.
It’s really important to decide at
the outset what you would like the tone of your separation. It may be
that your separated partner doesn’t want the same journey as you, but it’s a
start to know what. It may be that your separated partner doesn’t want
the same journey as you, but it’s a start to know what you want.
If you have kids, is it important
to you to be able to functionally co-parent?
Are you out for revenge, (hopefully
not!) or do you want to be able to amicably resolve things and move on with
your life?
Will you be able to resolve things
directly with your partner, or will you need help?
Can you be in the same room for
negotiations? So would mediation or collaboration work?
Are you happy to spend lots of
money having a big court battle, or would you rather resolve things far away
from the court process?
· Be supported by those around you, but
seek professional advice
As separation is so common, many
people think they are experts. “Oh, you’re a mum with the
kids - you’ll get 75%. That’s what my cousin got”.
“Mate you won’t have to pay her spousal maintenance, my friend from work
doesn’t pay anything to his wife”, “Don’t worry, the kids will be living with
you half the time. That’s what my neighbours do”.
Family law relies heavily on
assessing individual circumstances so what happens for one family won’t happen
in the same way for the next.
By all means, be supported by your
friends, but don’t rely on what they say about practicalities. Seek
professional advice about your own situation.
· Decide
what professional advice you need
It can be a good idea to start with advice from a lawyer as they can act like your project manager and refer you for psychological, financial and other advice as required.
If you see a lawyer who has trained in collaborative practice, they will have a strong emphasis on helping you resolve matters between you in a way that keeps you out of court.
If you see a lawyer who has trained in collaborative practice, they will have a strong emphasis on helping you resolve matters between you in a way that keeps you out of court.
Some people choose to start with
seeing a mediator- an independent third party who can help them to have
constructive conversations about their arrangements post-separation.
Alternatively, you could start with
a child psychologist to discuss arrangements for the children, or with a
financial planner or accountant to discuss property settlement and income
support.
Whichever path you choose, I
recommend at least speaking to a lawyer about any potential agreement and how
to make sure your arrangements are made binding.
· Remember
anything you put in writing to your ex, by email, text etc can end up attached
to an affidavit and presented to the court if you end up there. And even
apart from that, words have impact.
Think
· If
you have kids, take note – the research overwhelmingly concludes that
children do okay when their parents separate, provided they are not in the
middle of conflict.
Remember, your child is half
their mum and half their dad. Don’t criticize your ex around your
children and don’t expose them to any arguments between you. Children
need to be free to love and enjoy time with both of their parents.
Although separation can be a
painful time, with the right support, and with time, it will be okay.
Please visit our website at www.baysidecollaborative.com.au to find out more.
Please visit our website at www.baysidecollaborative.com.au to find out more.
